Thursday, September 29, 2005
DO NOT READ UNLESS U ARE CALM AND HAVE TIMEBlinded by anger
clouded by frustration
sickened by stress
heart wrenched
caught in the depths of emotional drought
lack of warmth
mind is throbbing with pain of thoughts that fucking refuse to vanish
psychological state of mind is increansingly unstable bordering on the crisis point
beyond that expect no more logical actions
only insane violence and utterly senseless behaviour
18 months of angst have come to a breaking point at the wrong point and wrong time
just 6 weeks before the A levels
i should just leave school and spare myself the agony
i feel so stressed when i c people studying at the library, talking to friends and laughing about senseless gossips
how many times have i experienced this sensation of wanting to let a rip of full fury be unleashed on things around me
how mani times i struggled to conatain these emotions No IMPULSES of SAVAGENESS just to appear that everything is fine
sure i dont care that people think i am a loner
i admit i cant socialise well with others
i have a few frineds and no clique
ITs everyperson for himself now
superficiality is everywhere
why is it i felt so different just 2 years ago
back then even if i did not do well in my results
i still had hope that i will do reasonably well for my O levels
Now i dont c ani light at the end of the tunnel
The A levels seem so far away from me up in the sky , sniggering at people like me who obviously dont handle academic stress well and lacks the ability to analyse, only the possesssing the skill to memorise information that i find may not be relevant to what i want to do in the future.
Happyness is a state of mind
yeah my state of mind is fucked up
happiness has eluded me
rather i inflict myself with unhappiness
my inability to view things in a positicve light
does it matter
life is full of problems
after this year
theres a bigger problem out there
National service looms in 2006-2007
beyond that i really have no idea what i will be doing,
i wanna be free
Free?
u must think that i am deluded . go ahead say whatever u want
Why i should i bother about other peoples opinions
what matters is what u think about urself
me?
many aspect of my life sux
i wouldnt dare say my life is the worst
simply becos i cannot the refute the fact that i am relatively well off compared to others who may be experiencing real difficulties
my troubles cannot be compared to those who are facing financial hardship, family breakups, dysfunctional families, those caught in the poverty cycle, the sick and dying, the desperately poor in Africa, the victims of abuse both physically and mentally, those innocent civillians killed as a result of civil wars
humans are so damn fragile, all it takes are just some tiny bacteria to break down our defences and u can kiss ur health goodbye. Humans made of flesh and blood are so easily injured and killed.
why cant we be stronger as in more immune to diseases and our skin to be metallic like robots with parts that can be replaced
why not remove emotions that are so freaking annoying to control
emotions are causing my troubles
haha i guess i am really a robot who seldom shows emotions
Not true...........
its just i dont show them in front of others but keep it to myself
its difficult, emotioanlly draining and utterly annoying
u hate this feeling, it makes u feel incredibly lousy.
u rant rant rant rant rant
hoping that anger and frustration dissipates
u wish ur life was better
how to make things better
i dunno
No i refuse to know.
Sometimes ignorance is bliss
the less you know the better,
that way people will gossip about u
gossip spreads fast
so think twice about other peoples feelings
its hard to do so
as for me
i really am clueless about what to do
study?
thats the last thing on my mind
results are looming next week
all hell may break lose next week.
i should shut my trap now
and go to play some games
which is the only form of life i have
pathetic , simply pathetic....................
1:57:00 PM
